last year, 2 months after my ORD, i remember asking myself why we all needed something to fill up a physical "void", to occupy our time and to give us some sense of security, and hopefully some "meaning" of some sorts.

i remember feeling extremely empty without a job, not wanting to call friends out and wanting something more solid than just "hanging out" to fill up the void. insecurity? i remember telling myself that trusting God was my security and that trusting in his providence would mean having faith that my walk was already "filled up".

however, it still did not feel right. i felt pressure from myself, to save up money and not take a single cent from my parents for as much time as possible. peer pressure was taking its toll on me too. i had an urge to get a job 'cause most of my friends were working too. herd mentality? it seemed to be the case at that time. then, i asked myself again if all of my friends were not working and asking me to come out everyday to "hang out" and spend money all the time, would i try to get employed? the answer, surprisingly, was no. i was hell bent on getting a job because i had a target of $X in my savings account to reach.

that was when i realised something terribly wrong: i was trusting God to provide a job or something in that period, but $X was the target that i was aiming for. that was my security. i felt disgusted with myself. i had my sense of security anchored in money, which was exactly what my faith had warned against but i was knowingly committing that same mistake. deep inside, i had to get a job because if i didn't, i would be deemed by myself and maybe other people as being wasteful and "useless".

again, i asked myself if i would think the same way, if mom and dad were a lot more well to do than they were, if i had all the money in the world to spend and did not need to feel guilty about spending if my parents did not mind me spending it. my answer to that question raised a glimmer of hope for myself. i would think that even if my parents were a lot richer than they are, or if i had picked up a winning lottery ticket on the street and claimed a few million dollars for free, i would still try to find work and earn some money myself. something from observing my mom had made me think that working and figuring stuff out yourself would be infinitely more satisfying than relying on people to help you out.

well this brought me back to the original question: what was it that made me want to get a job so much? that was probably the same thing that made me desire for examination grades, or anything that really mattered to me that much in my life. hence, it was really important that i figure it out. was it the sense of security of being something, or achieving something that i coveted, or was it just "work ethic" or whatever that came from my mom? and where does God come into the picture here, since He should be the one governing everything in my life? i guess i might feel a lot better if somebody came to tell me it is just the "work ethic" part that was working. i guess i would feel a lot less shallow that way. but what does it matter? if God is not in the middle of the equation then what is the point of it all? am i not building my house on sand like a fool then?

sometimes when thoughts like that get to your head, you just try to convince yourself that you are just thinking too much, that you are cooking up a non-issue for no purpose, or wish you were smart enough to figure everything out.