Sarah’s Goodnight
The accent-less voice announced the next station’s name shortly after the door alarm chimed its usual nine times. It was a reminder to warn you about the door that threatened to cut you into half if you stood in the middle. Maybe not, but it was how Sarah used to imagine it when she was little, until Mommy told her that it wasn’t the case. The train doors were controlled by a man who watched everything that happened at the train station in a room called the control station. And so, it was impossible, even if she wanted to be cut into half. The control station man would never allow it because he wanted her to have a safe journey back home to Mommy.
She saw her mute reflection appear as the train entered the tunnel. Through the image that emerged like a negative exposure against the dark window, she saw her girly looking self dressed in a school uniform that she never wanted. The navy pinafore served as much purpose as a status symbol as it was a backdrop for a badge that many other girls and their over-zealous parents would have deemed an honour to wear. Her mother was one of them, and this girl didn’t object. She never did.
Sarah found herself holding on to the silver chain around her neck. Six carats of Mommy’s love for 4A*s on her PSLE transcript. She felt a sudden urge to remove it. She fiddled clumsily with the clasp before realising that she didn’t know how to take it off.
“You look so pretty. I’m sure your friends think so too, girl,” said Mommy as she put the chain on Sarah.
Sarah nodded automatically. She smiled as if her picture were being taken.
The same mechanical voice announced the next station as the alarm chimed the last warning for passengers to get away from the door. Today, Sarah wondered how it would sound if the train doors really closed on her. Would it make a crunching sound? Could she still do a pirouette? Mommy wouldn’t be very happy if she couldn’t anymore. She always had lots of things to say about Sarah’s ballet classes, or violin lessons, or math tuition, which Sarah never understood because she was always good at math. “You can never be too sure, girl. Last time, Mommy thought math was easy, until Secondary school”. Secondary One came and went, and algebra was a breeze. Mommy insisted on tuition still and Mommy always had the last word.
Sarah counted the number of train stops before she reached home. Three was the number, and three would have been the number of stations that passed before Sarah alighted. Not today. Today, Sarah-Lynn Chua had other plans. No more ballet lessons which made her toes bleed. No more violin lessons, she never liked classical music anyway. No more stupid math tuition. Today was the day she decided that she would take control, even if it was going to be momentary and fleeting.
The train emerged from the tunnel and Sarah discovered that clouds had gathered on this side of the island. The sky was a lot darker now, and Sarah wondered if God was reading her mind. Droplets of rain formed slanted streaks on the train windows. Sarah was well prepared for rainy days though. Mommy prepared a small umbrella that sat snugly at the bottom of her branded bag, in case the rain threatened to tear a hole in her daughter dearest. Today, the umbrella was staying in the bag.
Sarah alighted two stops after the last time she counted. She walked out of the station, and boarded the first bus that came her way. A group of friends sat across each other in the front of the bus. They were laughing and sharing jokes the way Sarah couldn’t with other girls. “Friends will come to you Sarah,” Mommy would tell her, and besides, “Mommy will always be there for you”. Sarah usually smiled and thanked her mother and Mommy would smile back and hug her so tight, sometimes Sarah had difficulty breathing.
Sarah looked out and saw that the same streaks of rain had followed her to the bus window. She alighted at a peaceful looking HDB estate. Sarah looked at her phone; incoming call. Mommy must have read the letter already. She switched her phone off, dumped it back into her bag and found the nearest lift in the block. She looked at the mirror that ran along the side of the lift wall, and saw her chain again. This time her urge to be free from it was even stronger. She yanked hard on the chain, continuing even as she felt it cut into her neck. The chain snapped and fell to the ground, and Sarah felt unstoppable.
She pressed the button with the largest number, and pressed the close button. The lift doors obeyed, and Sarah smiled to herself. She stepped out and peered out of the corridor, staring at the vast expanse of the estate that she was never going to explore. Sarah sat at the edge of the corridor wall, her legs dangling loosely underneath her body. It was getting late. The building was tall and she had such a long way to go. Besides, Daddy was waiting.
Sarah pushed herself off, spread her arms out the way bungee jumpers did, and wondered what sound jumpers made when they landed.
The accent-less voice announced the next station’s name shortly after the door alarm chimed its usual nine times. It was a reminder to warn you about the door that threatened to cut you into half if you stood in the middle. Maybe not, but it was how Sarah used to imagine it when she was little, until Mommy told her that it wasn’t the case. The train doors were controlled by a man who watched everything that happened at the train station in a room called the control station. And so, it was impossible, even if she wanted to be cut into half. The control station man would never allow it because he wanted her to have a safe journey back home to Mommy.
She saw her mute reflection appear as the train entered the tunnel. Through the image that emerged like a negative exposure against the dark window, she saw her girly looking self dressed in a school uniform that she never wanted. The navy pinafore served as much purpose as a status symbol as it was a backdrop for a badge that many other girls and their over-zealous parents would have deemed an honour to wear. Her mother was one of them, and this girl didn’t object. She never did.
Sarah found herself holding on to the silver chain around her neck. Six carats of Mommy’s love for 4A*s on her PSLE transcript. She felt a sudden urge to remove it. She fiddled clumsily with the clasp before realising that she didn’t know how to take it off.
“You look so pretty. I’m sure your friends think so too, girl,” said Mommy as she put the chain on Sarah.
Sarah nodded automatically. She smiled as if her picture were being taken.
The same mechanical voice announced the next station as the alarm chimed the last warning for passengers to get away from the door. Today, Sarah wondered how it would sound if the train doors really closed on her. Would it make a crunching sound? Could she still do a pirouette? Mommy wouldn’t be very happy if she couldn’t anymore. She always had lots of things to say about Sarah’s ballet classes, or violin lessons, or math tuition, which Sarah never understood because she was always good at math. “You can never be too sure, girl. Last time, Mommy thought math was easy, until Secondary school”. Secondary One came and went, and algebra was a breeze. Mommy insisted on tuition still and Mommy always had the last word.
Sarah counted the number of train stops before she reached home. Three was the number, and three would have been the number of stations that passed before Sarah alighted. Not today. Today, Sarah-Lynn Chua had other plans. No more ballet lessons which made her toes bleed. No more violin lessons, she never liked classical music anyway. No more stupid math tuition. Today was the day she decided that she would take control, even if it was going to be momentary and fleeting.
The train emerged from the tunnel and Sarah discovered that clouds had gathered on this side of the island. The sky was a lot darker now, and Sarah wondered if God was reading her mind. Droplets of rain formed slanted streaks on the train windows. Sarah was well prepared for rainy days though. Mommy prepared a small umbrella that sat snugly at the bottom of her branded bag, in case the rain threatened to tear a hole in her daughter dearest. Today, the umbrella was staying in the bag.
Sarah alighted two stops after the last time she counted. She walked out of the station, and boarded the first bus that came her way. A group of friends sat across each other in the front of the bus. They were laughing and sharing jokes the way Sarah couldn’t with other girls. “Friends will come to you Sarah,” Mommy would tell her, and besides, “Mommy will always be there for you”. Sarah usually smiled and thanked her mother and Mommy would smile back and hug her so tight, sometimes Sarah had difficulty breathing.
Sarah looked out and saw that the same streaks of rain had followed her to the bus window. She alighted at a peaceful looking HDB estate. Sarah looked at her phone; incoming call. Mommy must have read the letter already. She switched her phone off, dumped it back into her bag and found the nearest lift in the block. She looked at the mirror that ran along the side of the lift wall, and saw her chain again. This time her urge to be free from it was even stronger. She yanked hard on the chain, continuing even as she felt it cut into her neck. The chain snapped and fell to the ground, and Sarah felt unstoppable.
She pressed the button with the largest number, and pressed the close button. The lift doors obeyed, and Sarah smiled to herself. She stepped out and peered out of the corridor, staring at the vast expanse of the estate that she was never going to explore. Sarah sat at the edge of the corridor wall, her legs dangling loosely underneath her body. It was getting late. The building was tall and she had such a long way to go. Besides, Daddy was waiting.
Sarah pushed herself off, spread her arms out the way bungee jumpers did, and wondered what sound jumpers made when they landed.
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